When your animal or pet passes II - how to deal with your grief?

As described in the first part of "When your animal or pet dies", TCM teaches us how important it is to allow yourself to grief over the loss of your beloved animal friend, in order to avoid physical and mental blockages. And not only you, but all people, pets and animals who were closely connected to your animal and still are, in their hearts.

Due to the loss of our own animals, conversations with animals and, last but not least, the intensive accompaniment of Curie and her heart human through the time of transition, I have become aware of how different people still deal with the topic of death in humans and animals. When a beloved human dies, there is a funeral, we meet with relatives, friends, companions of the person who left us. There is a grave, giving us a place to mourn at, we tell each other stories, that we have experienced with the deceased. In short: depending on the culture, there are different rituals and ceremonies that help us to process what happened and let go of the deceased. Grief for people has a certain framework that makes grieving a little easier.

This framework does not exist for the loss of an animal or pet

There are no mourning times, no rituals. Unfortunately, it is often not even possible to get the empty body or ashes of the animal in order to create a grave, i.e. a place where your grief has space, far away from your everyday life. From one day to the next, your beloved animal, which has shaped it so extremely, is simply gone. It can be particularly bad for you if active euthanasia has been performed, so you have decided to put your animal to sleep.

Therefore, I ask you: Create the time, the space, the rituals you need to process your grief. It can help you spend some days away from home, to take a few days off, to consciously look for your common favourite places, to be comforted by friends and family... Just ask yourself honestly:

What do I need now to be able to process the death of my animal or pet?

In my view, knowing what helps you is the first and most important step, even if you have children, a partner or other animals that are also grieving. Because you can best help them by giving space to your own grief - and being a role model, especially for children, which shows that they are allowed to be sad, because mom and dad are also sad.

Animals usually mourn automatically and do not try to overplay their grief. If you find it difficult to deal with your grief, see if spending time with animals consciously can help you. Sit or lie down with your animal or pet and allow what's coming. If you don't have another animal in your family, then visit friends of your deceased animal or go into nature and observe wild animals (squirrels and birds are really great soul comforters, I think :)). Talk to friends, family, people who can help you now. And please: that doesn't have to be. If you can't have any animals around you at first, then that's perfectly fine. But: Try to perceive your emotions and process them.

Cry, scream, laugh, dance

You probably already know that tears cleanse the soul. And yet, unfortunately, it is still frowned upon for many to cry because of an animal or pet. That's why I would like to encourage you: cry when the tears come, and allow your children to cry, too. Surround yourself specifically with people who understand you and can keep the space for you. Go into nature, which for me is the best soul comforter ever.

Grief comes with me personally in waves, that are linked to a wide variety of emotions... Sometimes I cry, then I have to smile, because a beautiful common memory comes up, then I have to move or am simply grateful for everything I was allowed to experience with the deceased animal. Allow these waves and try to express the emotion you feel. If you're angry because it's so damn unfair that your animal has died: scream, punch on a pillow or power yourself out during sports. If you feel paralysed, go for a walk, sit by a stream or river and listen to the flowing water. Or go swimming. For me, water in particular has the power to set everything in motion, including your frozen emotions. Or listen to music that touches your soul. Maybe your animal had a favourite song or a preferred style of music?

Feel into rituals of letting go together with family and friends

For example, hold a funeral or have a drink in honour of the deceased animal. Together with your family or friends, think about what suits you and your animal, and follow your gut feeling. Create a place where you and others can pull you back to mourn. If you can't create a grave, because you have neither animal bodies nor ashes, plant a bush, tree or shrub that you dedicate to the animal, or label a beautiful stone. Hang colourful ribbons on the plant, on which you share wishes for the animal or write down, for which you are grateful to it. Write a farewell letter that you bury somewhere or hand over to the fire. Get creative,

What is your personal way of expressing grief?

Create a collage with photos of your animal, paint a picture, paint a stone, lay a mosaic or write a poem. Ask yourself if and how creativity can help you process your grief. Whether you make a dream catcher from a horseshoe or a bracelet from animal hair - with creativity you can create beautiful memories that show the continuing connection with your animal and helps you to process the grief.

You can use those tools by yourself, but of course also together with friends and family.

Watch your animal and listen to your gut feeling

As already described in Part I, animals also understand when a friend of theirs passes. I think it is important that animals can say goodbye to each other, as experience has shown that this helps them to process death. Like we humans, they mourn very differently afterwards. Some show their grief clearly, e.g. by not eating anything for a few days, requiring your attention or withdrawing. It helps such animals if you and other caregivers are there for them, and they are given time to process their grief. Others process the loss of a friend very quickly and some will mourn quietly, perhaps seem apparently ok, trying to keep the grief to themselves.

Especially for those, professional support is important, otherwise the grief will sooner or later show itself on a physical or mental level. Please contact the vet or animal therapist you trust and talk to him/her about what happened. By the way, the same applies to you: If you feel that support would be good for you, get it! That's what we therapists are for.
Also, a training break or adapted training, specifically offering his/her favourite food, common walks or massages can be useful.

On my Instagram channel you will therefore also find a few tips for acupressure points, which you can use to help yourself and your animal in times of grief. And of course, you can reach out to an animal communicator if you think, it would help your animal or pet to talk to someone.

I hope this article helps you and your loved ones.

All the best,

Antonia